In this conversation, Valentin reflects on the difference between understanding patriarchy intellectually and unlearning it in practice. Through the learning journey, he began noticing moments of defensiveness, shame, and shutting down — and practising staying present with others instead of working on these things alone. By inviting feedback from others, and meeting past harm with both responsibility and compassion, deeper human connection is opening up.
This generative interview is part of a series of conversations with participants of the Beyond Patriarchy Learning Journey, which explores how patriarchal systems shape our lives, relationships, and ways of organising — and what it takes to unlearn them in practice.
Valentin, let’s start this conversation where we ended the learning journey: You were invited to ‘plant a seed’ that you commit to nourishing moving forward – what seed did you plant?
An intention to increase my awareness. When I started this journey, self-compassion and mindfulness was a key component for me — the basis for all the other things to come. But I thought this wasn’t related to patriarchy. Then I started to draw some connections.
I started the whole journey with this quote:
‘There’s a big difference between knowing why you’re fucked up and un-fucking yourself’
So how am I going to do that? How do you feel your feelings? How can I access these? And how can I not become defensive or shut down?
Learning that this is more of a male thing — and going back generations looking at my father and the way he was raised — it all started to make sense.
This is a key component, because otherwise I could read the books and go to the journeys, but I end up only intellectualizing and rationalizing and having all these wonderful psychological terms.
What I’ve experienced over the past years is that I’ve been reading the books and talking with friends about the political structures and that kind of stuff, but in the end I noticed and experienced firsthand that nothing has changed in my relationships — in actually showing up and actually being able to handle and sit with discomfort and being emotionally mature.
So the seed I planted is something I can actually do – slow down and notice what’s happening, and practice being vulnerable.
The past few months touched me on a different level — not just intellectually. This journey really helped to be there in-person with other people, especially with strangers — that was very important for me, because it made it easier for me to share. I didn’t know that beforehand.
I’ve attended a men’s circle of my friends group and it was very different — I struggled to share there because I know them very intimately, I’ve also been to group therapy and stuff. But attending this co-learning journey — with a certain focus on patriarchy, setting intentions and group agreements with everyone, and together with others with similar socialization — that really helped me to do this very thing that I’m afraid of: opening up and sitting with the shame coming up, or the feelings of guilt and having this very structural frame that holds the emotional part.
What do you hope this will enable? For yourself, as well as more widely.
For me, it’s about enabling myself to actually approach chapters of my life where I acted unconsciously and out of societal constructs, and acknowledging these, while having empathy for myself and the effects that patriarchal structures had on me, and understanding how I enacted them. Then deciding to not act out certain patterns anymore, having understood the source of it.
By doing so, I think all all my relationships will improve. It enables real connection and being human, which I think I’ve been missing out on.
That was made the major focus of this journey. It might sound very individual, but this has to be the first step. I can’t go out and do the work without this key component.
What is a belief or an assumption that you changed your mind about during the learning journey?
I had this assumption that I’m struggling, and everyone else is not.
It sounds weird to say this, because rationally I knew that it wasn’t true, but emotionally I felt really alone. I struggle to talk about this subject because there’s an assumption that ‘you should have progressed further by now’. And there’s a lot of shame around that.
I also had an assumption that ‘you do this work on your own, and when you’re better then you can come out and join these conversations’. So I had this weird linear image in my mind — of people who are ‘there‘ and I’m still ‘here‘.
There’s a discrepancy I realised through reading the books and finding out there’s this big difference between having the intellectual knowledge and the embodied knowledge.
I felt like I was some sort of fake or imposter feminist.
But then finding out that it’s okay to get things wrong, and it’s okay to share where you’re at right now — and finding people who are all in this together — was really touching. It changed things for me in the way I proceeded with this kind of work. I’m open about where I’m at right now — even if that means we just need to go back to the very basics of how to stay present during a difficult conversation.
That’s really powerful to hear. I think the realization of that gap can often be quite challenging – leading men in particular to seek comfort in other places, as can be seen in much of the anti-feminist discourse. I admire your willingness to turn towards that gap rather than away.
Yeah, it creates a lot of inner pressure.
What might your asks or invitations to others be to support your own journey? Or the journey that we – collectively – are on to build a world beyond patriarchy?
I’ve been encouraging people to give me feedback. I have this tendency, because of feeling small inside and not having a stable sense of inner safety and self-worth, I was so bad at handling feedback. It was like a devastating critique. That really blocks connection — there’s this ‘wall’, which is not set up to hurt them, but protects me from this devastating feedback.
Having more compassion and empathy for myself enables me to have more empathy and compassion for others, so I’ve been asking them to share more with me. I’ve had conversations about actual harm that I’ve caused, and inviting people to share how some of my behavior impacts them.
I can really see a difference in my reaction. It’s not so much ‘ego-defensive mode’ anymore, but rather, “Oh shit, I’m so sorry”. I’ve been feeling so small inside that I couldn’t allow this to be true – that I actually cause harm and people feel emotionally unsafe or invalidated by me. So I’d been avoiding difficult conversations, maybe in the back of my mind knowing I fucked things up. But these are things I can only do in relation to others – not something I can do by myself.
Thank you, Valentin, for sharing your story with me.
This conversation has been shared anonymously at the participant’s request.
To learn more or pre-register for upcoming journeys, click here.
Beyond Patriarchy 