What does it mean to be a parent and partner in a world shaped by patriarchy? In this conversation, Sam reflects on the ‘seed’ he planted during our learning journey: a commitment to unlearning inherited patterns of male entitlement and emotional distance, and the slow but necessary work of tending this when it no longer follows the script.
This generative interview is part of a series with participants of the Beyond Patriarchy Collective Learning Journey, which explores how patriarchal systems shape our lives, relationships, and ways of organising — and what it takes to unlearn them in practice.
Sam Walby is a writer and editor living and working in Sheffield in the North of England. Sam has worked in independent community media since 2008, primarily with Now Then, as well as being a Director of the wider company that coordinates the magazine, Opus Independents, since 2013. He’s passionate about stories that build community power, stories that raise up and celebrate people and groups acting for good, and stories that explore the potential these things can offer towards bigger, deeper societal change.
[Jack] Thinking back to our final session, Sam, you were invited to ‘plant a seed’ that you commit to nourishing moving forward: what seed did you plant?
[Sam] Mine was about being a better parent and partner.
I suppose that’s kind of twofold. One thing is specifically about parenting: the kind of modelling that I want to do as a dad to a young boy. And secondly, as a partner: thinking about things like domestic and emotional labour, and about the roles and habits we inherit through our socialisation. So the seed I planted was really about:
How can I be a more proactive and mindful parent and partner as it relates to maleness, gender and sexuality?
Why is this important to you?
I don’t want to live in a world where women end up carrying the majority of emotional labour in the world, in the home, in the workplace. I want to try and be a proactive, positive force in changing that. And the most logical place to start is in your own life, your own relationships, and in your own immediate closest bonds.
On the face of it, I have quite a traditional domestic setup in my life. It’s me, my partner and our son living in a house. But becoming a parent blew everything open for me. It led me to question a lot of why I am the way I am, and why I behave the way I do. This showed up in really basic things like domestic chores. But also in more complicated things like how available I am as a parent: what’s the message that I send if I’m not available in emotional situations? What does that say about what a man’s role is?
This sounds like an important seed you’re tending to. I’d be curious to hear, as you tend to this: what are your doubts or reservations?
That without conscious effort we just slip back into old ways.
I don’t have significant trauma in my life, but I was socialised as a boy and – like a lot of boys and men – developed these really complex, convoluted ways of avoiding addressing some quite basic feelings. Instead, I just kind of run away or perform some kind of alchemy: turning sadness or disappointment or grief into anger, or any emotion that is easier to express as a man.
I spent a lot of my life not really being well-attuned to how I was feeling and why that was. Often it was because I wanted to avoid conflict, I wanted to make people happy, I wanted everybody to get along. Without being too hard on myself, I see that mindset as being part of the problem. Or at least not part of the solution – which I would see as recognising when those moments are coming up, and trying to be kind with yourself and others, but also recognising that there’s something that needs to be addressed.
What might you still need to ‘compost’ for this seed to flourish?
The feeling of being owed something. I don’t logically believe that, but I think there are still parts of me that behave as though I do. And sometimes it’s really hard to take a step back and recognise entitled behaviour.
I took a lot from the Kate Manne book we read on the learning journey (Entitled: How Male Privilege Hurts Women). It provided a really useful lens. I was aware of the idea of ‘entitlement’, but the framing of different kinds of entitlement in that book helped me to spot where they pop up in my life. I could recognise how I’m not a misogynistic mass murderer, but it’s quite scary to realise that some of those same behaviours exist on a continuum on which those people also sit.
In continuing this journey, what are you prepared to risk?
I think a bare minimum I have to be willing to risk is getting it wrong. I have to be willing to risk over-steering.
When you’re a parent, you realise quite early that nobody has a clue what they’re doing – that’s the big secret that adults never let their kids in on. So being willing to take a risk on things, to stick my neck out when that’s needed, to accept that there is a risk of embarrassment or failure of sometimes making things worse, to be proactive – this all feels important.
I would like to also more often risk the loss of approval of men for the benefit of saying or doing the right thing in the moment.
The discussions we had during the learning journey about that felt really resonant. The idea that, in a lot of ways, the harms that women experience as a result of the patriarchy are actually byproducts of male competition – this weird, very unhealthy combination of competition and bonding. I’d be surprised if there’s any man or boy in the world who hasn’t found themselves in those situations before.
Knowing you are not alone in this, what might your invitation or asks of other people or groups be?
These are really difficult things to grasp, and if we don’t keep them in mind, they just sort of fade into the background. So we need to keep reminding ourselves and each other why they’re important.
And to be kind and compassionate and understanding of ourselves and others. Because this is difficult, slow work. It asks us to opt into awkward, harmful and upsetting situations. So we need to find some kind of inner strength for that. For me, that comes from trying to be as attuned as possible to our own bodies and brains.
Thank you Sam. As we close, I’d like to ask you: what new meaning, if any, was created for you through this conversation?
Having the chance to reflect back on what I went into the learning journey with and what I came out with has really deepened my feeling of responsibility to keep this work alive. I feel happy with where I’ve planted that seed.
This interview was hosted and edited by Jack Becher.
To learn more or pre-register for upcoming learning journeys, click here.